Cruel Brother ?!

Dear Friend,

Sometimes I feel that I am a cruel brother.

My mother was totally depended on father for her day to day affairs. Better to say that my father was taking all those responsibilities for her, because of the age difference they had. She was new to the city life when she got married. He taught her to live in the city...or atleast to know what will happen in the city. Later when he died, she become alone.

In fact she started doing things her own with the support of me and my sister. However, she was not confident to sign a cheque, to talk to others etc. Me and my sister were aware of what has happened to her. The way she changed from a village girl to today's city lady (I don't believe that she has changed??!! much, she is just the same village woman with strong sense of loyalty and simplicity, and I am proud about her for that).

I never wanted my sister to be like my mother. I just wanted her to understand the world around. Insisted that she should do every thing herself. She was pet of my father. He used to continue his paternal approach he had with my mother with my sister also. May be I too have it in me inherited from him :)).

But his death has changed everything. I consciously made her to take responsibilities. In my mother's words, Its the boys who should take care of the family. The ladies are supposed to manage home and home affairs, why you are making her to do all those things instead of you doing it for her.

I wanted my sister to be liberated and independent. When my father died, she was doing her MPhil. He was so concerned about her when she is going to the college etc. He always said that there is no guarantee with the world around us, particularly for the young girls.

I always tried to counter argue to him with the imperfect knowledge I have acquired from the books and articles about Feminism and new liberalised women society etc.Now looking at the News papers and visual media I really feel shamed and afraid about our society.

As you know I work with the Police and I know the negative side of the society through inside informations. It is a fact that within the rich and so called educated society, girls are well protected by parents. They are not at all aware of the reality out side this protected shield. They are deprived of love and affection of parents only due to the job constraints of the parents.

We are learned, and perhaps many of us are aware of good parenting in theory....but are we practising good parenting, by giving too much protection?.

In Trivandrum, the middle class are too much concerned about the career of their children. Since the job market is there for Engg and Medicine, they push them somehow to become professionals.

From 10 th onwards the children are like machines. Equations, problems, entrance tests, short term entrance coachings, special tuitions etc etc. In the case of the girl child, it is more difficult since the morning and evening journey to the tuition master is an adventure. It starts with the pearcing eyes of the news paper boys, milkwalas etc and end up the day with the evening shows by drunkards. I cannot avoid the young joggers and old walkers who belive in exhibitionism in mornings. I know my sister had met with atleast 5 incidents where she was attacked by various persons of different age groups.

My aging father used to accompany her when she was going for tuition classes during PUC times. But later my father was not able to walk due to arthritis. He was around 60 when this disease caught him. Luckly the tuitions had stopped. she did her graduation without tuitions. Then her MA and MPhil.

After that she joined in a software data processing company and her work life started. Now I am proud about her because of the fact that she learned everything in life herself and her life is a kind of self taught one.

The greatest thing I think I had done with her is that I made her do all those things independently by keeping a watchful distance. If she was in need I will be there....and I am really affectionate about her.

Now the situation is more difficult for us. Mother is away for the past 9 months or so. She is trying her level best to cobine the roles of home making and work life. I am rather surprised the way in which she adapted to the new situation. She is acting like the perfect lady.

But, when she is too tired with her job etc, some signs of frustration will come out. She say if mother is here etc. I tell her that, we are given an opportunity to test ourselves whether we can do these things in the most perfect way and let us take it as a challenge.

I want my mother to do her duty to her mother and me and my sister shouldn't demand for her presence with us at this juncture. But inside me I also feel that emptyness. The emptyness of not having a life companion. The emptyness about my sister not having her marriage and own family with children etc.

I/We (all) know what is happening with me/us, but, we/I always try to hide the feelings....and pretend that everything is OK.

We can read a number of books telling about the self motivation techniques and tools. We can chant slokas and go to asrams etc. Wecan do adventure sporting and watch movies, classical dances or freak out with friends. However, in the end, we are left alone to think about ourselves and about our inner world of feelings and fears.

When my sister is on field visits in distant villages with remote chance for communication, I become concerned just like my father. When she is on tour to certain districts with higher crime rate etc, you know how many times I saw in my dreams her being raped.

It is the hard reality my dear friends,and I expect the worse to happen and tune myself to face that, not with courage but that is the only option available for me.

I sometimes advice her also to be concerned and carefull about her tour schedules etc. She says that if I become fearful, then how can I motivate the more fearfilled ones from the villages. How can I make the poor women from the villages to overcome their problems to have a new brave world. As you know she is heading the district programmes and probably in the near future the State Projects also.

She says that Indian Male has some basic problems which can only be sorted out through years of continuous efforts. I know that she is absolutely correct at the same time I think that unfortunately I am living in this transition stage where the society is changing its social dimensions, but, should we experiment with ourselves.

I can talk endlessly about these topics, but inside me, I am the elder brother concerned about my sister. I am selfish to that end. I am protective about her like all those parents in our educated society.

Sometimes I think that being educated is a curse, because, if you are uneducated, you don't know whether you are being exploited, you don't know whether there is any thing wrong in any social activities etc. It is said that knowledge brings in freedom.

But experience tells me that if the knowledge is not free and all in the society is not sharing the same knowledge, the freedom attained by the knowledge is waste and it brings in fear, insecurity etc.

History of science has lot of episodes where the dicoveries were burnt alive.Even Jesus got crucified. so its like that till we achieve complete freedom in sharing of knowledge and become fearless.

Sorry for this lengthy one, please forgive if I hurt anyone by being open.

Yours Anil